Monday, August 24, 2009

Heavy

Lately I've been having this heavy feeling. Not sure about what. . .but its some type of anxiety. I think the plane crash dreams triggered it, honestly. I haven't had anymore of those dreams, but the uneasy, heavy feeling is still looming over me. I do admit that I feel anxious when a plane flies overhead or if I hear one in the sky. I have to get over this - its crazy.

Another thing I know I'm freaking out over is Noah starting school in about a week. I'm scared as hell. I don't trust strangers with my baby - I'm just really scared. Noah has always been in my care and I feel like "I" only know how to keep him safe. "I" am the the who knows that when he's quiet he's up to something. I'm the the only one who knows he still might put small objects into his mouth. I'm the only one who knows him. I've been praying and trying to feel good about this. Noah asked me to put him into pre-k. When I told him that I would maybe enroll him next year, he cried and begged me to let him go now. I'm not going to be the mom who keeps her kids from doing what they want to do (unless its something dangerous). I want him to be safe and happy and healthy. I just have to pray and know that God has His hand on my Noah.

Yet another thing thats causing me to have anxiety is our talks of having another baby. I want another one so bad. We want Noah to have a sibling relatively close in age so they can grow up with one another. But when is the right time? I have no clue. I'm scared that I won't be able to show Noah the attention he still needs if I have another baby needing to be fed every hour. But realty kicks in and I know it won't be that way. I do have enough of me to go around and if I were to become pregnant, everything will work out. We may even start trying sometime in November. If we do try then and I do become pregnant, the baby would be due three months before Noah's fifth birthday :) I just need to let go of all the anxiety and fears I've been holding onto. Everything is going to be ok.

2 comments:

BriBaby2k said...

Everything will be okay! It is very hard the first year, but as the days go by it will get easier, and you will feel more comfortable with him being there...I think you should try for a baby now, cause Noah will be in school full time next year, and won't be home when the baby would be getting attention, so it would never faze him...Pray about everything, God does not lead us wrong! I love you like a sister girl!

Brandie said...

Thank you for your positive words!! We're seriously thinking about trying this Fall. I just want to get healthier before we do. Love you too chick!!!