Much Needed Update!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated my blog! Toby is almost two months old and is growing like a little weed. His appointment isn't until Nov 3 so I won 't know his stats until then...but I can tell he's growing. He is finally out of preemie's and is wearing 0-3 months, though some are still way too big. He pretty much sleeps through the night, although he sometimes wakes up once to eat. Noah is still a very proud big brother and loves him so much -- I am so blessed to have these boys. I love them both so much. Noah is doing very well in pre-k and he has started to love it. lol. He was starting to cry every morning but he's out of that stage now. Is it shocking that Toby isn't even two months old yet and I've already had a pregnancy 'scare'? Yeah, nuts I know. Call us Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar. I only call it a scare because I had a c-section and I hear it's pretty risky to get preggo so soon afterwards. I already have baby fever and Toby is still tiny. I know it sounds crazy, but I already want another one. Hubby and I have always said we would only have two children, but I'm thinking we're going to shoot for a 3rd :)) YAY! Maybe, just maybe I'll have a little girl next. If not, then I'll have my 3 Amigos and will be done. I love my boys!

Toby Gage Has Arrived!

I went into the hospital on September 1st at 5:30 a.m. It was a scheduled c-section. They started an iv right when I arrived and I laid in the hospital bed and watched the morning news until 7:45 a.m. The anesthesiologist came in and talked to me. He explained how the spinal block worked and what would happen if it didn't work. They said since I had a hard time the first time, if I felt pain during surgery this time they would just put me completely under. I was starting to panic! Caleb, Noah, my mom, dad, brother, and grandmother all came to the hospital and was out in the waiting room. The doctor came in around 7:45 and asked me if I was ready - umm, yeah! I've been ready :) Caleb and my mom suited up and they wheeled me into the OR. Caleb and mom had to wait until I had my spinal block and for the surgery to begin (to see if it is going to start out well) and then they got the ok to come in. Rewind a little: I was wheeled into the OR and it was a smallish room with all these tools, towels, gauze pads, ect all laid out on a table in the corner. I was freaking the hell out at this point. I got off the bed and walked around the operating table, sat up and took a deep breath. They had me open my gown in the back so they could start the spinal. I was absolutely terrified that it wasn't going to work like last time (had epidural last time). I had the best team ever in there - it was fantastic. They were all very kind and reassuring, which was what I needed! The sweet little nurse was in front of me holding my neck down while two dudes were poking into my back. After about 10 minutes I teared up and then started to cry. The anesthesia guy knew I was upset and kept telling me I was doing great and it wasn't taking longer than normal, they were just taking their time to make sure they were getting it right. I dried my eyes and all of a sudden I felt this rush go down my body, from below my boobs all the way to my toes. It was the weirdest, coolest feeling ever. They had me lay back pretty quickly but I fell back because I couldn't control anything from my chest down. LOL. It made me laugh. Then I seen then raise my hospital gown to start prepping me and all I could think about was me being completely naked in front of all these people - so I reached down and pushed my hospital gown back over me. They pulled my gown back up - then I pushed it right back down. The anesthesia guy finally said, in the most sweetest calm voice ever, "ok now, I have to tie your arms down...because I don't think the dr needs your help". haha, ok so I was restrained. Then the dr started doing his thing and I could smell my skin burning. I'd much rather smell it than feel it like last time! Then Caleb and mom got to come in there and I was so thankful. They were my sanity. About 20 minutes into it I heard Caleb say "babe, they just broke your water!". Then I heard a female voice say "ok, you're going to feel lots of pressure because I'm having to push the baby down"...I did feel pressure, but no pain! Then I looked up over the tall curtain and the doctor was holding my precious baby boy up over it!! All I could do was cry and thank God!! Toby Gage Fleming came into the world on September 1st  at 8:47 a.m. and weighed 6lbs 13oz, 19 1/4 inches long. He barely even cried and sounded like a tiny kitten. They got him swaddled up and Caleb carried him to the nursery. Mom had walked out with him because they won't allow anyone to stay in there while I'm being sewn up. Not sure why. As I was being sewn up I heard the dr ask someone about blood loss - then I thought I was seeing stars and was fixing to pass out. I just knew I was bleeding to death. (I'm negative nelly). So I hollered out "what's my blood loss?"  Dr told me 200 -and of course that meant nothing to me. So I asked him if that was a bad thing and he said that it was actually a very very good thing because most c-section patients lose 500-600 during surgery. Yay, I wasn't seeing stars after all! I was alive and well and my baby was doing awesome! I felt no pain in recovery, the nurses put the compression things on my legs to prevent blood clots, and I recieved pain meds every 4-6 hrs. Yay! It was absolutely one of the best experiences of my life. I came home two days later feeling like my old self. I'm so thankful.

Noah was so happy to finally meet his baby brother. My mom took a picture of Noah right when he first laid eyes on his brother and it's a moment to remember! Priceless. I am very much in love with my family and I thnak God every single day for blessing me as much as He has. I do have post partum pre-eclampsia, which the dr said would straighten out on its own. Other than that, we're doing wonderful!

Oh, boy..

My Noah boy has been having a hard time at pre-k all this week. He has cried every single day and it's really tearing my nerves up. I feel like I'm abandoning him with these "strangers" and all he wants is his mom and dad. I do know this is what he needs and he really really does enjoy it. He talks about how much fun he's had all day and even while we're laying in bed at night. It still bothers me. I hate leaving while he's crying. I sit out in the parking lot for about 5 minutes and then I call his teacher to check up on him - by that time he's dried up and playing with his little buddies. Am I a bad mom? No. Do I feel like it? Yes. The new baby will be here this time next week - September 1st -I will be in the OR at 7:30 a.m. meeting Noah's little brother for the first time. What if Noah is feeling emotional because he knows there will be huge changes taking place within the week? I'm just sad for him and I just want everything to work out for the best...I love him more than words can ever express.

36 Week Appt

Everything went really well. Baby is head down (doesn't matter anyway since I'm having a c-section) and he is weighing exactly 6 lbs. My bp was great, weight gain sucked (MOO), and I had the Group B Strep test done today. Also, today was my first internal exam and I am almost 2 cm dilated. I mentioned about the contractions I've been having lately and I was told it was just my bodys way of getting ready. Boo on the whole c-section thing. Anyway, the baby still isn't a mover but his heartrate was fine. I was told to come home and eat a good meal and do a kick count. I'm suppose to feel 10 kicks in two hrs. LOL, yeah right! I don't even feel 10 kicks in one day. They'll admit me into L&D if I don't feel 10 kicks...so I'm going to start counting - if he'll start moving. I don't know if I should be concerned or not, they act like they aren't concerned at the dr's office. Maybe he'll just be a laid back baby. I hope so - especially since my 4 1/2 yr old still bounces off the walls :)

Uncomfy

I'm having more and more Braxton Hicks these days and they're beginning to be more uncomfortable. Yesterday it was so strong that I had to lay down with a heating pad & take two Tylenol. I'll mention it to my dr on Friday, just to see what he says. I'm not sure if I'll be checked at this visit or not - I think it may just be the Group B Strep testing. My cousin had her baby boy the other day! His name is Reece & he weighed 7lbs 11oz! He's such a little cutie, too. She didn't labor long and with three pushes - he was born! Lucky girl! He was born on my original due date 8-9-10 (I miscarried in early December). While I was visiting her and the baby, I spoke to some nurses there and they were very nice & made me feel more secure about the whole c-section/being taken care of issue. I will always have anxiety over it, I know...but maybe I can be less freaked out on the day of. If not, they'll have to give me a nerve pill!!

So Confused..

I'm 30 days away from meeting my precious little bundle of joy. We've been calling him Landon & my hubby and I both love this name...but it doesn't do it for me. Everytime I say the name I feel like I'm talking about someone else's baby. So, I've found another name that I am really diggin'. I'm afraid to spill the beans because I'm not certain about it - I'm SO confused! baaaaaaah! 30 DAYS.

34 weeks!

My appointment went well today. BP was normal and I've gained 2 lbs since my last appt. I almost started moo'ing, no joke...I am feeling less and less like myself lately & I honestly think I'm getting down in the dumps about having to have a c-section. I'm just praying all goes well and me & baby are healthy. Anyway, not much longer now & Noah will have a brother!!! I can't wait to meet him, kiss all over his sweet baby face, & love him to bits!

Heavy

Lately I've been having this heavy feeling. Not sure about what. . .but its some type of anxiety. I think the plane crash dreams triggered it, honestly. I haven't had anymore of those dreams, but the uneasy, heavy feeling is still looming over me. I do admit that I feel anxious when a plane flies overhead or if I hear one in the sky. I have to get over this - its crazy.

Another thing I know I'm freaking out over is Noah starting school in about a week. I'm scared as hell. I don't trust strangers with my baby - I'm just really scared. Noah has always been in my care and I feel like "I" only know how to keep him safe. "I" am the the who knows that when he's quiet he's up to something. I'm the the only one who knows he still might put small objects into his mouth. I'm the only one who knows him. I've been praying and trying to feel good about this. Noah asked me to put him into pre-k. When I told him that I would maybe enroll him next year, he cried and begged me to let him go now. I'm not going to be the mom who keeps her kids from doing what they want to do (unless its something dangerous). I want him to be safe and happy and healthy. I just have to pray and know that God has His hand on my Noah.

Yet another thing thats causing me to have anxiety is our talks of having another baby. I want another one so bad. We want Noah to have a sibling relatively close in age so they can grow up with one another. But when is the right time? I have no clue. I'm scared that I won't be able to show Noah the attention he still needs if I have another baby needing to be fed every hour. But realty kicks in and I know it won't be that way. I do have enough of me to go around and if I were to become pregnant, everything will work out. We may even start trying sometime in November. If we do try then and I do become pregnant, the baby would be due three months before Noah's fifth birthday :) I just need to let go of all the anxiety and fears I've been holding onto. Everything is going to be ok.