Tuesday, August 13, 2013

So many changes since my last post...

I almost don't even know where to begin...I guess sort of where I left off, huh.

We had a great Halloween 2012 and went trick-or-treating with our neighbor friends. The boys had a great time and so did we. We stock up on the candy but we never really eat it! Noah was batman while Toby was Spiderman. The two cutest little super heroes ever. That November, we had a great Thanksgiving with our family and for the first time ever, both boys stayed overnight with my parents while Caleb & I stood in long lines on Black Friday to get the boys their Nook Color's for Christmas. It was worth it. We had the best time that night and really enjoyed ourselves in the midst of all that madness!

And then here comes December 2012. . .
It all started out amazing. For the first time ever, we had a real Christmas tree. I refused to use store bought decorations because I thought it would be so much fun to make our own ornaments and have a traditional, old school type of Christmas tree! I made cinnamon ornaments, dried orange peels with decorative string, plus lots more things. It turned out so great! Toby ate a few of the ornaments over those few weeks, things were "accidentally" knocked off the tree and were broken, and the lights were barely hanging on the branches come Christmas morning. I didn't care one bit! It's their tree! They're only little once and I was refusing to be upset. We had an amazing Christmas morning and the boys were so excited over all their gifts. We went to my parents house and opened more gifts and spent some time with them. I had told Caleb how I felt great things were in store for us for the up and coming new year. How I couldn't wait to start fresh and feel more excited about life! I was ready to let the past couple of years go and start over. God brought us through very hard times (job) but He didn't fail us and made sure Caleb found the perfect job for him. I was having medical issues, which I think was related to the amount of stress I was constantly under. Very hard times. But...I was ready to let go and be happy & feel like I deserved to be happy.

 Fast forward to December 30th. One of the worst days of my life. Noah and I had been sick for a couple of days and was just starting to feel better. We were getting ready to go out and order take-out from our favorite Japanese place. I walked outside and my phone rang. My grandmother had called to tell me that my cousin, who was only 49, had passed away the day before. Everything began to spin. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak..and I surely couldn't believe what I was hearing. I hung up and immediately wanted to call her cell phone, to hear her say "hello". . to prove that it was some sick joke. It wasn't a sick joke..it was true. I took back everything I had said about me deserving happiness. I immediately became depressed. I couldn't even say goodbye to her at the funeral home - I was too devastated to even go. I couldn't watch her be buried either. She was one of the best people I know. She was one of my very best friends. She knew my soul and I knew hers. I stayed at her house as a kid and we would have so much fun together and even as an adult. We had so much in common. We thought alike and we could even finish each other's thoughts. I felt what she felt and vice versa. How could I lose someone that special to me? And most importantly, what happened? Still to this day, I have no idea. Her death certificate still reads as pending. Although my heart was shattered, God allowed me to have peace with her death. .I won't explain how, but I do know and feel in my heart that she is finally OK and God saved her.

Even though I didn't say my good byes at the funeral home, I did say them in other ways. I went to her house one last time. I was also up in her bedroom alone looking at the bed she took her last breath in. .and I didn't cry. I couldn't. I knew she was where she needed to be. In the arms of Jesus. I got a few of her dishes and in a pile of "trash", I recovered her journals. The last months of her life weren't the easiest, according to her journals..but one thing is for certain, she got it right. She will forever be in my heart.

January-May 2013
We didn't do very many things in the winter months but around  May we went on quite a few little mini vacations with our boys. We took them to Nashville for one night. We went to the Zoo and also to the Rainforest Cafe - best place to eat!! So entertaining and most importantly, the kids didn't have to be shushed the whole time we were there. .kids are allowed to be kids. Another weekend in May we went overnight and visited The Tellus Museum. That was such a fantastic museum. We dug for dinosaur fossils and shark teeth, panned for gold, and got to see huge dinosaur models. The boys loved it!

June 2013
Caleb and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, which also happens to be my birthday. I turned 30 this year!! My parents agreed (Second time ever!) to keep both boys and allow us to go away for TWO NIGHTS. It was the most exciting time for us. We don't do date nights, we never have babysitters, and we definitely never have nights alone in our own bed. We left on a Friday night and arrived at our fabulous cabin in the Smokey Mountains. Ahh, it was breathtaking. We soaked in the hot tub while it rained. .and our view was amazing. We relaxed and reminisced a little. It was an amazing and well deserved weekend.
 Oh, did I mention that a week before that we had firmly made our decision on not having anymore babies? Yep, we did.

July 2013
We left for a whole week and headed to Athens, GA. We stayed with his parents for a few days and while it wasn't the best getaway, at least we weren't stuck at home. July 2, I realized I had not started my period, which was weird because I was on the pill and it had me on a regular 28 day cycle. I had been slightly queasy and not feeling like myself, but I chalked it up to pms. I then realized I was five days late. Even though I "knew" I wasn't pregnant, I had Caleb pick me up a cheapo dollar store test..ya know..just to prove that I wasn't. As soon as I peed on that thing it became clear to me that I was definitely pregnant. I remember going in circles in that tiny little bathroom at his parents house..trying to breathe. Trying to understand how this could have happened. Only 1-3% of women get pregnant while on the pill. That couldn't be me! (We had a hard time conceiving Toby...took us years and I wasn't even on the pill then!) I slung open the bathroom door and squealed out something that was suppose to resemble "Caleb!"...and here he came. I couldn't even speak. I just showed him the test and his immediate response was excitement! WHAT?! I couldn't even breathe and he was celebrating. He kept telling me God has a plan..one bigger than ours..and he's right. I just couldn't process that at the moment. I called my mom. I was trying to be calm but I broke into tears..it was one of those ugly cries, too. She calmed me down and acted excited and told me that it happened for a reason and only God knows why! For me to stay calm and just be excited for this new little gift we were give. For the next couple of days I was in a fog. Heck, sometimes I still find myself walking through that same fog!

No comments: